This year’s big council tax ‘reveal’ at last week’s Full Council meeting was as I had feared, yet another predictable “it’s nothing to do with us guv”, “it’s all the governments fault” but “aren’t we doing a wonderful job” public proclamation.

We were privileged to an orchestrated but lack lustre set piece from the Tory ruling group, serving up speech after speech of the same tired old ‘national politics’ sound bites we hear from them year in year out. Speeches so peppered with 1980’s clichéd business buzzwords, I was half expecting Gordon Gecko to burst into the room.

Full council meetings are truly a mysterious concoction. Almost every speech from the ruling group has the dour appearance of being prepared well in advance; I’ve never understood why they don’t just circulate the papers to our houses and save us all the pain of having to sit through this political version of Jackanory.

Party leaders get their untimed speeches, whilst the rest of us amongst the council’s lower classes get just three minutes to give our opinion on a limited range of subjects. Questions are moderated if they’re allowed at all, the answers are formulaic so there’s no ‘real’ chance for candid answers or debate.

As I sat in the council chamber listening to the feigned indignation of one Tory Councillor after another reading out their own personalised version of the Portfolio for finance’s original speech, my thoughts turned on how thrilling the Tories preparation for these occasions might be. Picture it now, a captive audience of 27 compliant Tory group councillors hanging on every word as their leader paces the room, banging his fists on the tables in an attempt to rally his troops for action. The room filled with motivating phrases like “stepping up to the plate”, “win win situation”, “there is no I in Team” or “squeeze it until even the pips don’t squeak”.


Location: A room in some offices. 27 people sat around a circular arrangement of tables, bottled water and delicate M&S nibbles are in front of most of those sitting; The Boss is prowling.

Character #1: BigBoss - The head honcho, a wily character who brooks no nonsense
Character #2: MiniBoss - The perennial runner up
Character #3: Everyone Else - No discernable individual characteristics


BigBoss:
Come on troops, talk to me? Another year, another above inflation tax rise, we have to deliver the bad news to council in a way that makes us look good, we need our ‘solutioneering’ hats on. You (BigBoss says looking directly into the eyes of his right hand man), hit me.

MiniBoss:
Sir, What? Literally sir?

BigBoss:
No, what have you got for me, let’s run it up the flag pole and see who salutes it, we need to make sure we have all our ducks in a row on this one.

MiniBoss:
Sir, Ducks sir? Erm, okay, I did have one idea sir?

BigBoss:
I like the cut of your jib, I didn’t get where I am today by not having an idea. It’s important we are all swinging off the same branch here

MiniBoss:
Sir, how about we....

BigBoss:
Come on, I need you to go the extra mile for me


MiniBoss:
Sir, how about we, blame the government sir?

There is a stony silence, five seconds that felt like five hours before BigBoss explodes

BigBoss:
GENIUS!!!

BigBoss’s eyes narrow as he snatches a ruthless glance around the room, beginning his rebuke of the rest of his worker bees

BigBoss:
Look and learn you lot, look and learn. Think outside of your silos, If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem(looking admiringly at his right hand man) I don’t know how you keep doing it, you’re a financial miracle worker!

MiniBoss looks at everyone else with the tiniest hint of a smug grin.

BigBoss:
Such an intelligent idea, and if I may say this, how bright of you. It sounds so credible, although I do have the overwhelming feeling of Déjà vu. Ok let’s continue to soak ourselves in our ‘idea shower’, how do we deal with the waste and recycling budget overspends, come on people if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure? Thought grenade anyone?

The now ebullient MiniBoss confidently sticks up his hand before anyone else has the chance

MiniBoss:
Sir, Call it extra investment and just silently add the overspend into this year’s budget sir?

BigBoss:
MiniBoss, I’m lost for words, you fill me full of known unknowns and unknown knowns, shame on the rest of you for.....

(Could be a pilot for BBC3; couldn’t be worse than Dog Borstal)

As I snap back into reality, my head now filled with Tory ‘management speak’ phrases, I look at the 28 Tory councillors before me, and become downhearted by their lack of imagination. They could do so much more with the power they have at their disposal; conservative by name and nature I guess? I decide that I’d have a little more faith in them thinking ‘outside of the box’ when I start to see some thinking, whether inside, outside or anywhere near a box as long as its thinking. More ‘Brain Storming” and less “Blame Storming” would make a pleasant change. See, its catching.

So here are the headlines from last week’s council meeting, a nearly 4% increase in council tax announced for us all to enjoy. A scout hut in Stevenage Crescent is to be pulled down and along with some other bits and bobs some intriguing news and developments on the Studios, that I will cover at a later date!

Until next time, I’m off to celebrate the 18th anniversary of my 21st birthday party, maybe it's the looming ‘big one’ that is making me so cranky this week?